The Terrible, No Good, Exhausting Day

Car ran out of oil yesterday was completely shaking...got oil, was late dropping off sister to work, had to take the kids with me to the pediatrician because Kylie Jade had been running a fever for 4 days! She has pneumonia only took 2 1/2 hrs to tell me that. After getting rid of the girls I had to take Kylie Jade for Xrays. First went to Primrose to drop off the check. I realized I no longer have any money and is late on my phone bill =(. I took Kylie Jade for xrays. Then went to drop off her medication at Wal-Greens. Then go back home for a few hours go back out use 2 free redbox codes for a movie for me and one for little miss priss. I get her medication and it's 25 freaking dollars =( then we pop in her Barbie and the Mermaid Tale dvd and I watch it with her. She scoots onto my lap and slams her head into my lip causing a bloody swollen mess. It was terrible. Get her in bed watch my really not so great movie rental and then just wait for hubs to get off work. It was a very painful and exhausting day. Glad it is OVER. Now just waiting on the results from her chest xrays...  

Feelings

I was driving, rather slowly, in my car...thinking of all the ways I could possibly express my emotions. Anger, sorrowful, bitter, longing...it just isn't so simple anymore. It's been awhile since I took off the gloves and honestly looked at myself. I am bitter, angry, hateful, mean, immature...it's part of WHO I am. It wasn't who I was for the longest time. I have never felt so shitty, worthless, pointless, and meaningless until I met you...you were it. I felt it in my heart. I felt it deep in my heart. I felt like my world was turning just looking over at you. But I know it wasn't. I tried to impress you with curse words, finger nail polish, and a bad attitude. I tried to keep you with blow jobs, my car, temptations of sex, and my middle finger. It worked. I got everything in the world a girl could have asked for...so why am I so angry all the time? It's because somewhere along the way you stopped looking at me...you stopped really looking at me, sex has become nonexistant, and kisses are just quick smooches. There is no passion. There is no romance. There is no love. I can't honestly tell you the last time you looked at me and I could feel it down to my toes. I can't tell you the last time you grabbed me and romantically kissed me. I can't tell you the last time you looked deep into my eyes and our hearts just became one beat. I can't even remember the last time you grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in for one of those deep, long, soothing hugs where I felt like the only girl in your world. Life is complex. Every little thing you do sets me off for a feud to the death. It's coming to the point where I can't stand the sight of you. My heart aches for what used to be...but maybe I need to stop leaning on the past...I need to have a clear view of my future.

I am a very difficult person to love. I quit anything the moment it gets complicated. I give up the minute I feel uneasy. I always, always take the easy way out because it's just the easiest thing to do. I never finish what I start. I tell lies to make life interesting. I have plenty of bad habits that I can't control. I have anger issues that not even anger management could contain...I feel like I'm drowning in self pity...and I'm constantly feeling sorry for myself. I use anger as a weapon to get what I want. I destroy any shred of hope for us to work things out. I don't care. I've given up. You're making this too hard. You don't really see me anymore, you stopped trying long ago. You make up exuses to why you won't fuck me, and we both know the reason is I'm not one of your pretty black haired, skinny girls. You always, always, ALWAYS have to be the hero...and let me fail silently. You've got to be the best...and I want to tear you down...because you've always been great at everything. You've always stuck it out to beat the odds. You've always grabbed people when they were falling, and I can't even come close to your saint hood. I have never felt so completely small...until I've stood next to you as your wife. I can't compete with your smooth talk. I can't stand proudly next to you. I know you aren't happy. I know you don't want to continue to do this anymore. But it's hard to read you when you won't talk to me. We sit and let it boil inside until we both want to rip each other's heads off. It's pointless...so freaking pointless to pretend like our life together is going somewhere. I want to be the wife that supports you in what you want to do with your life...but it's hard to BE THAT WIFE when you don't know what the hell it is you want to do. It's hard for me to stand by you when you make yourself the victim. I'm so tired of hearing your promises and you not delivering. I hate the way our life is becoming...I hate who we are becoming together. We have fallen so short of what we both could be. We don't pick each other up anymore we throw each other against brick walls. I'm tired of feeling so alone when you're sitting right next to me. I'm tired of worrying about EVERYTHING and turn over to see you sleeping soundly. I'm tired of feeling angry all the time...I'm tired of bitching...I'm tired of whining...I'm tired of manipulating...of lying...of hating...of wishing for something else. I'm just so sick of feeling alone.

Your my husband, your supposed to be my friend. Your supposed to know me inside and out. You had no idea that I cried for 2 hrs straight when I lost our baby bean...you were oblivious...you have no idea that I stay up countless nights worrying about making the payments...you have no idea that I'm so utterly disgusted by myself...not only the way that I look, but who I'm becoming...I have the desire to change, but can't when I feel so alone, useless, and unloved. You have known me since we were in high school and yet you still don't know me well enough to know that I hate looking weak. I don't want to cry to you because I feel so embarrassed. You talk down to me like I'm stupid...so I do the same to you. When I make a mistake in talking you laugh and playfully make fun of me...but it hurts my feelings. I've felt dumb for a long time. Since I can even remember. I am very insecure. I have had countless people tell me how fat I am or how stupid I am. I have sat in a classroom full of people and have known that I'm the only one that isn't understanding...you have NO IDEA what that feels like. You have no idea what it's like to feel so small. You were Mr. Popular...every girl wanted a chance to get in your pants...and you tried, countless times to make me jealous, and it worked. I haven't felt jealous like that in a long time. Because I don't care. I don't care if you go out with another woman...I stopped caring awhile ago. I just don't want to BE with someone that doesn't even know me. After all these years I feel like you don't even know me a little bit. I know so much about you. I've studied you for the longest time. I can read your face and tell when your annoyed, sad, lonely, but you can't do that to me. You have no idea how horrible I felt after losing that child. I felt like the smallest person in the world. I was trying to give you the world, and lost my child because of it. I was trying to please you with stupid material things, and gave up a life for that...I don't know what has happened to us...we aren't who we used to be. We used to be so good together. You used to slip your hand into mine when we walked side by side. You used to pull me in close for kisses wherever we were. The only thing I have to look forward to at the end of the day is a stupid piece of chocolate...or two..or three...I've become so dependant on food to get me through...that I eat when I'm not hungry...I drink when I'm not thirsty...it's just to get me from one hour to the next.  

All I'm trying to say is...if this is ever going to work...you have to WANT it to work. You can't just say it...you have to MEAN it. You have to tell me what made you fall out of love with me in the first place...and maybe we can save this...if not...then I guess we need to have a long face-to-face talk. I've given you a lot to think about and I'm sorry I've been so difficult to live with...I'm just depressed.

Maria

Love...

Thoughts are just words after all